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Meet Brandon Scott Phinney, The Classiest Man In The World

So I woke up at 1pm today to see human douchesicle Brandon Scott Phinney post an article about overweight girls dressing in lingerie and taking selfies to feel good about themselves and celebrate what some would consider “real beauty” (it’s an article about Curvy Girl Lingerie, turns out) and with it Brandon provides a biting piece of commentary:


'How is this 'beauty”? All they're doing is celebrating obesity, furthering the feminist agenda that all men are superficial and shallow and burdening news media with stories of bullshit.'

The feminist agenda! Those militant feminists and their terrible, horrible, despicable agenda of making chubby girls not feel like crap! Buncha MONSTERS if you ask me! If THAT wasn’t enough, he goes on a tirade in the comment section:


'This isn't what “real women” look like. A real woman would take care of her body by eating right and exercising, not by pushing the limits of the flesh and demanding respect and positive attention. Men are attracted to fit, healthy women with actual good looks. It's just science, it doesn't mean we're all shallow and pathetic. Women don't like fat guys, it's the same concept. You don't see men traversing all over the internet demanding change on the social standard of what's deemed attractive or not. Obesity is fucking disgusting and we need to stop celebrating this fucking epidemic. Shut the fuck up with your bullshit feminist agenda.'

I want to take a moment to add that a few years ago I had sex with a girl he had a crush on, because despite my being a fat guy that women apparently don’t like, and him being a skinny guy that women apparently are supposed to like, I was also really funny, a good listener and a selfless lover. She texted him immediately after telling him how much she enjoyed it and he had a hissyfit. This is 100% a true story, it was fucking hilarious. Let’s keep going though, the thread gets better!

Somebody named Toby did actually try and argue with him by saying 

'Why are you obsessed with this? Who cares! It just makes you look shallow.' 

to which Brandon’s response was 

'Because I see so much of it and I'm sick of it.' 

And then Brandon’s shitty friend Ray said 

'Problems don't get solved by keeping your mouth shut about it.'

to which Toby, god bless his heart, wrote 

'Problems? Way to make girls you find disgusting feel worse. Im sure you have no annoying faults.'

That’s when Phinney went on this gem of a rant:

'If they feel that way, they should change. Not for anyone but themselves. Who likes being fat? And yea, I'm full of annoying faults. We all are. Doesn't mean I can't point out a social problem when I see one. It's all about sociology and the rising tides of what's acceptable in modern society. We're changing almost daily and I'm a vocal observer.'

You guys, you see? He’s not a tactless, empathy-less piece of shit, he’s a vocal observer! He’s Malcolm X-ing us right now, he wants to tear down those golden arches of oppression! What a dumb douchebag! So naturally, I am unable to keep my mouth shut ever and I jumped in and wrote 

"A, some women are naturally just bigger and still healthy and B, your giant piece of shit is showing, Phinney. The cure for obesity is not degrading and shaming obese people and calling them hideous and I pray your daughter marries a fat guy and you get invited over every Saturday morning for cake brunch."

To which I got shit on and dismissed by him and his friends.

SO NOW I LEAVE IT UP TO YOU, INTERNET. Any overweight people or anybody who knows an overweight person and doesn’t want them to live their lives thinking they’re an ugly gross thing please share this and/or send him a private Facebook message letting Phinney know how much of a dumbass he is. I’m going to spend the afternoon tracking down his current cell number so I can send him naked selfies. Happy Thanksgiving!

Come and get some!

The Bruins have proved what I’ve always believed:

Canada is America’s morbidly obese fetus hat.

Al Park is hilarious and also the freaking man. Here he is talking about his weird dieting ritual.