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I'm Not Retarded

  • Mark Gallagher: I'm not retarded, but I eat hot dogs all the time because I like to say "Hot Dogs".
  • Ian von Steffen: I'm not retarded, but my high fives are always moist.
  • Alynn Allman: I'm not retarded but when prompted I say stupid stuff in public!
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded, but my mother makes me wear flame-retardant pants.
  • Ian von Steffen: I'm not retarded, but I clap and smile when my meal arrives at a restaurant.
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded, but the shunt in my head disagrees.
  • Ian von Steffen: I'm not retarded, but I think Mitt Romney is handsome in a shiny way.
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded, but whenever they drain the fluid it sounds like whistling.
  • Alynn Allman: I'm not retarded but I thing grated cheese could be the new hair replacement system!
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded but my mother locks me in my room and cries all the way down the stairs.
  • Alynn Allman: I'm not retarded but my left nipple is.
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded but my father comes home reeking of alcohol as a catcher's mitt sits in my toybox unused.
  • Alynn Allman: I'm not retarded but the color blue smells like pickles.
  • Alynn Allman: I'm not retarded but my letters to elvis written in maple syrup are.
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retarded but my parents argue all the time and "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP IT!" "HE'S NOT AN 'IT' SAM HE'S YOUR SON!"
  • Ian von Steffen: I'm not retarded, but I won't eat this meal until it is smile shaped.
  • Justin P. Drew: I'm not retardededededed but GOD WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DIGNITY OR MERCY WHY CAN'T I EXPRESS THE FEELINGS I FEEL
  • Ian von Steffen: I'm not retarded, but I can type seven words per minute with my face.
  • Mark Gallagher: I'm not retarded but I smile when I frown.
  • Justin P. Drew: I might be retarded.

Here I am at The Comedy Studio in Boston last night, not bombing. Yay!

This is my appearance on The Riley Matthews Show last night. I talk about bombing, Breaking Bad, and I bitch about the comedy scene a lot. Don’t listen to it! I refuse to be held accountable!

Here is my set from Rhode Island last night. It’s a decent ten minutes, most of my stuff went over pretty well. Also, I swear I’m just nervously itching my nose, not picking it.

In honor of my twenty-third birthday, here’s my set from The Burren in Somerville last Wednesday night. I was in a contest that I ended up losing, but I’d rather be the funny guy who lost than the shitty guy who won by promising alcohol to the audience.