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I became much less precious about material. Of course I’d be “proud” of a good joke, but I knew to thicken my skin and just produce. My silent motto when I began to encounter joke theft on Twitter was “Go ahead and take ‘em, motherfucker. Here come five more.” My goal as a comedian became to be a Delta Force Operator of humor that you could throw in an empty room with nothing and I could make something funny and kill people with it. This remains my goal.

— Rob Delaney, on having his jokes stolen

posted 2 years ago and tagged as mirror masturbate masturbation joke lol wtf haha

Robert Palmer: “Doctor, doctor, gimme the news! I got a bad case of loving you!”

Doctor: “You have cancer, and I only like you as a friend.”

‎”What if there’s no such thizzle as a Gizzle?”

"WHO CREATED ALL US NIZZLES? WHAT’S THE MEANING OF LIZZLE? HOW BIG IS THE UNIVIZZLE? IF I DIZZLE WHO’S GONNA RIZZLE MY CHIZZLES?!"

justinpdrew:

-agnostic Snoop Dogg

Either my brother’s comment is killing it with the majority of my Facebook friends or that site is fucking up.

Either my brother’s comment is killing it with the majority of my Facebook friends or that site is fucking up.

posted 3 years ago and tagged as facebook dad comment like 1042 joke lol funny wtf

Danny Glover’s new memoir:

"I’m A Glover Not A Fighter"