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Here’s a classic from the vaults. I talk about my uncircumcised penis and people don’t barf!

I used to think sex should always last for hours because of porn I watched,

then I remembered I only watch for like five minutes at a time.

posted 2 years ago and tagged as call me maybe carly rae jepsen joke lol haha wtf lazy

2011: A Year of Terrible Jokes (Volume 2)

I have a TWITTER ACCOUNT YOU CAN LOOK AT RIGHT HERE

MARCH

If the guy who wrote “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel” actually saw an angel, he would shit his pants and regret comparing it to a human.

My birthday is in a month, April Fool’s Day. It’s God’s way of telling me “Everything about you is a joke.”

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long vagina.

To my guy friends who tell me “I’d like to do it but I’ll be out with my girl that day.” Don’t make it sound hip, just say “my mom.”

Don’t be a racist! Call it “African American Milk.”

Did you hear that Forest Whitaker is now on a procedural cop drama on CBS? It’s called C.S. lazy I.

Do you think Jerry Stiller will more often get recognized for Seinfeld, the King of Queens, or Capitol One ads when he finally gets to hell?

Next time you’re at the club, try this pick up line: “Girl, let me dick you good.”

I can’t wait for Bon Jovi’s next album: “Is This What You Want From Me, America? Is It? Seriously? Okay. Here’s Eleven More Pieces Of Shit.”

When I bathe my patients, I like to give them what I call The Joey Lawrence. It’s a very sexy wash-up.

If Twitter started letting people tweet in italics I’m pretty sure all the world’s wars would stop.

I want to be a miracle worker, like the woman who taught Helen Keller how to see and hear.

Hypothetical Q time: Mila Kunis. 9 times out of 10, she cums a Nintendo 3DS. The 10th time, your dick explodes. Would you have sex with her?

If they started a “Masturbate To End Blindness” rally do you think the world would implode from that much irony?

I prefer to be on the winning team. If a race war breaks out, I’m joining the blacks.

Allston is Boston’s taint.

"You have both skin AND lung cancer. In the medical world, we call that being DP’d by God."

APRIL

I’d catch a grenade for ya, put my wrist on a blade for ya, name my first child Wade for ya, I’d fuck Dennis Quaid for ya…

Parents complaining about their kids in the terrible twos have clearly never had to deal with anyone in their incontinent eighties.

Will Prince William be saving Kate Middleton from a dragon that’s trapped her in one of eight castles? No? Not interested.

Glenn Beck is quitting his job to pursue being a cunt full-time.

Hot girl on the bus sat next to me. Logic dictates that she must be in love with me.

I hate pet shops in the same way I hate prisons full of sad, innocent children.

Coming this fall to FOX, a classic mystery series gets a modern day makeover… Hilary Duff in Murder She LOL’d

NEVER EVER use the N word. Just say “athlete”

What’s your favorite Shakespeare book? Mine’s a toss up between Romeo and Juliet, Huckleberry Finn and The Diary of Anne Frank.

Twitter is best used as a barometer for how sad and alone a person is. How lonely is Justin P. Drew? Why, he’s 15 tweets a day lonely!

"Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a gal who thinks that I am the one, but the kid is not my son. Still available to babysit, though."

Dear wheelchair midget: What did you do to God in a past life?

The kid next to me on the bus sports a leather jacket, an unshaven face, and blasts Phil Collins in his headphones. In other words, badass.

Remember, no matter who crosses the finish line first, the real winners are people that never had to grow up in Kenya. #marathonmonday

It’s kind of ironic, Dunkin Donuts is the offical sponsor of both the Boston Marathon AND Losing Limbs To Diabetes. #marathonmonday

Racist rehabilitation, step two: Listen to all of Michael Jackson’s albums, starting with the most recent and working your way back.

After listening to U2’s How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, I now know the answer is “play shitty music at it.”

I was raised Christian, it comes out in weird ways. When my girlfriend asks me if her butt looks big I say “LEAVE THIS PLACE, TEMPTRESS!”

Yo momma is so fat, HOW FAT IS SHE? Yo momma is so fat, she has poor self image and emotional issues. Not funny anymore, huh?

"What about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?" "I think I remember the film. As I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it." "Let’s get a divorce."

Your local hardware store is running a sweet promotion. If you buy a really nice hacksaw, you get any bike in the city you want.

How PUMPED do you think the people in Japan are about the Royal Wedding?

If High School Musical had taken place at my high school in Maine, every song would be about weed and teenage pregnancy. And no black kid.

Skyscrapers are just Man trying to have sex with God. #deep

Very few people know that Hitler coined the term “no homo”. He also coined the terms “no Jew” and “no gypsy”

Bambi Dextrous #intelligentpornnames

Emack & Bolio’s. Those Mexicans make a smoothie so tasty, it cures racism.

posted 2 years ago and tagged as twitter tweet 2011 month march april joke funny lol haha

2011: A Year of Terrible Jokes (Volume 1)

I have a Twitter. I’m kind of a whore about it.

Here are a few jokes I enjoyed from last January and February:

JANUARY

Kd Lang has a very specific fanbase: People Who Aren’t Terrified By Kd Lang’s Physical Appearance.

When Jesus died, they remembered Him by wearing a cross around their necks. When I die, remember me by wearing a KFC DoubleDown sandwich.

Anybody have a time machine? I need to go back to 1988 and pitch Hustler my script for BONERGEDDON.

Job hunting tip of the day: Never put “Works well with black people” on your resume. Employers never take it the way you meant it.

I’m asking myself that age-old question: Why the hell is Jet still on my iPod?

Guys, never look into your woman’s eyes during sex and yell “I’M GONNA GOOF!”

"Girl, you really know how to cut a rug. And munch one, too!" #lesbiandancemovie

Why do rappers shout the n word at people and get respect but when I shout it at my grandmother she just fondly remembers her youth?

I’m three hundred pages into my debut novel, a supernatural coming-of-age story called The Devil’s Hymen.

Front of card: YOU BLOW. Inside of card: …ME AWAY. Get on that shit, Hallmark.

FEBRUARY

"If New England didn’t want so much snow, New England shouldn’t have dressed like that!" -God

When I’m finished with your vag, it’ll look like the Grand Canyon. In that you’ll need a donkey to get to the bottom. #worstpickuplines

Let’s face it: either way it’s gonna happen. #worstpickuplines

Being home in Maine for a weekend always has a sweet, quaint way of reminding me I NEED TO SEVER ALL TIES WITH THESE PEOPLE AND CHANGE MY NAME.

New nickname for vagina: Southmouth.

My penis-centric opening set got Gary Gulman to ruminate for five minutes about masturbation and shame. Highest point of my life thus far.

When I told people “I got my dick wet!” I meant I tried to drown Richard Belzer.

A “Belieber” is someone who believes their dreams can happen no matter what. Which they can, unless you consider yourself a “Belieber.”

I have the musical taste to rival a teenage girl, and the rack to make her jealous.

To watch off-key amateurs run a train on The Beatles while the corpse of Steven Tyler writhes with pleasure, watch American Idol tonight.

In response to all the controversy, next year Dunkin Donuts will change “Chocolate Lover’s Month” to “Fat White Girl Month”

Every year, I make a suicide pact with myself if Pixar doesn’t win for Best Animated Film. Next year, Cars 2 will be the end of me. #oscars

Trent Reznor can now add “Oscar-Winner” to his list of titles that also includes “Musician” and “Cunt” #oscars

We’re deep in the hour during every year’s show commonly known as The Oscar’s Taint. #oscars

If they stop making Toy Story movies, Disney will finally have to put Randy Newman down. #oscars

STAY TUNED FOR MORE SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION

posted 2 years ago and tagged as twitter january february 2011 tweet joke lol haha jk funny

Here is a version of me and my friend Sam Ike remixing my “Masturbating On Mushrooms” joke live for an audience of barely interested hookah bar patrons last Saturday night. Sound quality is crap but deal with it.

Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car in Los Angeles this morning.

To be fair, the driver had just watched Four Christmases.