2011: A Year of Terrible Jokes (Volume 1)
I have a Twitter. I’m kind of a whore about it.
Here are a few jokes I enjoyed from last January and February:
JANUARY
Kd Lang has a very specific fanbase: People Who Aren’t Terrified By Kd Lang’s Physical Appearance.
When Jesus died, they remembered Him by wearing a cross around their necks. When I die, remember me by wearing a KFC DoubleDown sandwich.
Anybody have a time machine? I need to go back to 1988 and pitch Hustler my script for BONERGEDDON.
Job hunting tip of the day: Never put “Works well with black people” on your resume. Employers never take it the way you meant it.
I’m asking myself that age-old question: Why the hell is Jet still on my iPod?
Guys, never look into your woman’s eyes during sex and yell “I’M GONNA GOOF!”
“Girl, you really know how to cut a rug. And munch one, too!” #lesbiandancemovie
Why do rappers shout the n word at people and get respect but when I shout it at my grandmother she just fondly remembers her youth?
I’m three hundred pages into my debut novel, a supernatural coming-of-age story called The Devil’s Hymen.
Front of card: YOU BLOW. Inside of card: …ME AWAY. Get on that shit, Hallmark.
FEBRUARY
“If New England didn’t want so much snow, New England shouldn’t have dressed like that!” -God
When I’m finished with your vag, it’ll look like the Grand Canyon. In that you’ll need a donkey to get to the bottom. #worstpickuplines
Let’s face it: either way it’s gonna happen. #worstpickuplines
Being home in Maine for a weekend always has a sweet, quaint way of reminding me I NEED TO SEVER ALL TIES WITH THESE PEOPLE AND CHANGE MY NAME.
New nickname for vagina: Southmouth.
My penis-centric opening set got Gary Gulman to ruminate for five minutes about masturbation and shame. Highest point of my life thus far.
When I told people “I got my dick wet!” I meant I tried to drown Richard Belzer.
A “Belieber” is someone who believes their dreams can happen no matter what. Which they can, unless you consider yourself a “Belieber.”
I have the musical taste to rival a teenage girl, and the rack to make her jealous.
To watch off-key amateurs run a train on The Beatles while the corpse of Steven Tyler writhes with pleasure, watch American Idol tonight.
In response to all the controversy, next year Dunkin Donuts will change “Chocolate Lover’s Month” to “Fat White Girl Month”
Every year, I make a suicide pact with myself if Pixar doesn’t win for Best Animated Film. Next year, Cars 2 will be the end of me. #oscars
Trent Reznor can now add “Oscar-Winner” to his list of titles that also includes “Musician” and “Cunt” #oscars
We’re deep in the hour during every year’s show commonly known as The Oscar’s Taint. #oscars
If they stop making Toy Story movies, Disney will finally have to put Randy Newman down. #oscars
STAY TUNED FOR MORE SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION
