OK Cuntpit

So, historically, readers of my blog know I have an OKCupid profile. It’s a terrific site for shallow hookups and self-degradation, I’m having a blast. (I’ll probably be dead soon.)

This is my OK Cupid profile pic (you’ll have to find my actual profile yourself, ladies. I’m not linking it here.)

Look at it. I’m adorable! The messy apartment with tea brewing on the stove, me wearing glasses, my scraggly girl beard. I’m like God’s gift to low self esteem girls. 

So I log in one night to find a message from a girl I’d never talked to before, and she goes from zero to cunt in a single sentence:

What a bitch! I have done nothing to her except be adorable on her dashboard. And of course I’m not jacked enough to have a shirtless pic, I’m not jacked at all. It’s not a shirtless pic, it’s a fake hipster glasses pic. The shirtlessness is only a minor detail. And how dare she insult my face? It’s the perfect mix of soft feminine features mixed with pathetic stabs at masculinity that drives sexually confused girls crazy. How could anybody diss that? I hope she gets anal tumors.  

Clearly, she needs to go. I take a look at her profile, and these are seriously her only three pictures:

Okay, we get it, you like rolling around in hamster balls. You also like your hands to touch places your filthy feet were just touching, good for you. It’s a full body shot, no face pic yet.

Excellent video game, but all we see is the back of her head. Also, if she’s player one she likes to play as Pikachu, which means I have no respect for her. Hopefully we get to see her face next.

SHE DOESN’T EVER SHOW HER MOTHERFUCKING FACE. HOW DARE SHE JUDGE ME?!

Also, I look at her profile, and find such gems as these:

According to my personality thing, I am grossly arrogant compared to the general populace so I really just like talking about how great I am.

Notice she says “how great I am” not “how great my face looks.” I have a feeling anybody that sets up a date with her should prepare for a Mister Ed reboot.
 

I cut my own hair.

So you’re bitchy AND cheap? 

I am one of those illiterate jerks that pretentious (Ok - maybe they are just cultured or some shit) people hate. I don’t really read books. I read journals. Powerpoints. News articles.

So you’re bitchy AND cheap AND uncultured?

You Should Message Me If:

You remember that one time the shuttle broke down on my last day at work.

So only message her if you already give a shit about her pointless, ugly-faced life.

Or you look good in aviators.

I do, bitch.

Xoxo gossip girl

That’s right, XOXO, Gossip Girl. It’s needless to say that I hate her.

I write this reply:

She never responds. I am reigning champion of being petty on the internet once more!