February 2012
16 posts
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“As a comic persona, misanthropy is as old as the hills. It’s effective because...”
– Dylan Moran
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jokesaboutthenews:
Whitney Houston has been found dead. They knew she was dead when she looked the same but with less movement.
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“I overheard a guy the other day saying that he recently DINED at Pizza Hut....”
– Myq Kaplan
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Write-In Zack Cordes For Boston's Best Comedian!
I don’t want to make a long speech about it, but people who know Zack Cordes, I mean really know him, know that he’s the nicest, sweetest guy on the planet. So naturally, people around the comedy scene in Boston treat him like shit. I want to see that change, and that’s why I’m staging a write-in campaign and make Zack Boston’s #1 comedian in the Phoenix Reader...
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jokesaboutthenews:
Prop 8 has been ruled unconstitutional. Turns out it’s the “pursuit” of happiness, not the prevention of it.
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jokesaboutthenews:
A new species of giant shrimp-like creatures have been found off the coast of New Zealand. In related news, Red Lobster just announced that they have “a throbbing erection.”
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angelmcastillo replied to your post: you’re not funny. and you’re way too gross to be performing in public naked. those poor people
You’re a fat person who’s actually comfortable with himself, so naturally that makes people with lower self esteem FURIOUS. Fuck trolls, I enjoy you.
Awwww.
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Dear Coke Talk: On spanking it to porn. →
I used to masturbate to porn pretty regularly, but I’ve recently been making an effort to stop because of the extreme feelings my long-distance girlfriend harbors about my looking at other women. I’m having some trouble totally kicking the habit, though, and it sucks that a few minutes of…
Genius response!
January 2012
12 posts
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jokesaboutthenews:
Billy Ray Cyrus recently admitted he’s never done the “Achy Breaky Heart” dance. In related news, Bryan Adams has never 69’d.
Anonymous asked: you're not funny. and you're way too gross to be performing in public naked. those poor people
Justin P. Drew Writes Jokes About The News →
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Don't Ever Take Reglan
So today I went to the ER again for the horrible migraines I’ve been having and they gave me an IV, and told me they were giving me a drug called Reglan with it. I said fine and they hooked me up and about ten minutes later I started having trouble breathing and became very anxious. I wanted to rip the IV out of my arm and run, and I started of thinking where I’d go and realized that...
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Andrew: I will fuck every woman in your family.
Vanessa: Every woman in my family is dead!
Andrew: Great. Saves me a lot of time, then.
Me: Unless you count time spent digging.
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2011: A Year of Terrible Jokes (Volume 2)
I have a TWITTER ACCOUNT YOU CAN LOOK AT RIGHT HERE
MARCH
If the guy who wrote “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel” actually saw an angel, he would shit his pants and regret comparing it to a human.
My birthday is in a month, April Fool’s Day. It’s God’s way of telling me “Everything about you is a joke.”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long...
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2011: A Year of Terrible Jokes (Volume 1)
I have a Twitter. I’m kind of a whore about it.
Here are a few jokes I enjoyed from last January and February:
JANUARY
Kd Lang has a very specific fanbase: People Who Aren’t Terrified By Kd Lang’s Physical Appearance.
When Jesus died, they remembered Him by wearing a cross around their necks. When I die, remember me by wearing a KFC DoubleDown sandwich.
Anybody have a time...
December 2011
5 posts
On Drinking and Performing
ryanbourassa:
I encourage everyone who is interested in performing stand up comedy to try it, but PLEASE write before you try it and unless you’re a functioning drunk/stoner; don’t get on the stage drunk or high.
I completely disagree. If you need to be in an altered state to feel comfortable up there then by all means get fucked up before you go up there. They’re open mics,...
Yelping with Cormac: Chili's Grill & Bar →
Cormac McCarthy on Yelp is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.
yelpingwithcormac:
Natomas - Sacramento, CA
Cormac M. | Author | Lost in the chaparral, NM
Four stars.
I am going to remove a star, he said.
Please don’t mister.
Don’t move. It’s better if you don’t move.
Please.
It’s important you know why. Do you understand why this is happening?
Oh God.
It is because I…
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Last night at a music open mic in NH, the guy before me closes with a Staind cover. A couple minutes into my set, a guy in a UNH sweater yells “More Staind!” I say, “What?” “More Staind!” “What?” “More Staind!” “What did you just say?” “More Staind!” “I’m sorry, again?” “More Staind!”...
Opus Humanum Novarum: 10 Reasons Not To Vote For... →
Holy shit. OBAMA 2012!
readyokaygo:
1. Ron Paul does not value equal rights for minorities. Ron Paul has sponsored legislation that would repeal affirmative action, keep the IRS from investigating private schools who may have used race as a factor in denying entrance, thus losing their tax exempt status, would…
If you can't change it, own it.
And if you can’t own it, Patrón it.
November 2011
7 posts
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Diamonds (or Lil' Billy Leaves Home), a poem
Here’s a poem I wrote three years ago. I’m going to read it at the Cantab Lounge in Cambridge this Wednesday at their poetry open mic. (8pm, $3)
It’s pressure that creates a diamond. The weight of the world bears down, Forcing that piece of rock to be better. Diamonds don’t just appear out of nowhere. No, they’re squeezed until they step up and succeed They get...
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nikkif610 replied to your post: OK Cuntpit
that chick is stupid. you DO look adorable in that pic. :)
You’re goddamn right I do. And thanks!
thisisntbusiness replied to your post: OK Cuntpit
you should reply one more time in a super sweet tone and ask her on a date. that would really confuse her
I visited her profile so many times while writing the article, she probably thinks I’m going to kill her.
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OK Cuntpit
So, historically, readers of my blog know I have an OKCupid profile. It’s a terrific site for shallow hookups and self-degradation, I’m having a blast. (I’ll probably be dead soon.)
This is my OK Cupid profile pic (you’ll have to find my actual profile yourself, ladies. I’m not linking it here.)
Look at it. I’m adorable! The messy apartment with tea brewing...
October 2011
5 posts
serenity--now asked: justin you have an okcupid???
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September 2011
17 posts
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I'm opening for SPOSE in Manchester NH! →
I’m doing a few minutes of comedy then introducing one of my favorite rappers to the stage. I’m super excited. Click the link for the Facebook event invite!
