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This is a bit I do about taking my little brother to see Wolf Of Wall Street. I posted it online yesterday at 11am, and it already has OVER TEN THOUSAND VIEWS. By far the most any of my videos have been watched. Holy hell.

This is my appearance on Let’s Quip! last week with Sean Baptiste. We have a fun time and I make a couple of really cool announcements. Also I trademark the term “CAT-theter”

posted 1 week ago and tagged as let's quip manbearpig comedy stand up album
posted 6 months ago via natashaleggero

Phun With Philip

Earlier today I wrote a post on Facebook kinda/sorta addressing the Phil Robertson controversy:

"Those Duck Dynasty guy comments caused quite an uproar these past few days, and people are still embroiled in hot debate. Should he have gotten fired? Is free speech under attack in our country? Have we forgotten our values as a nation?

It's times like these where I turn to our country's true beacon of peace, love, and tolerance, Honey Boo Boo: 

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ gay! Everybody is a little gay!’
 


Preach it, sister.

It was a semi-serious, mostly just joking excuse to show people a video where Honey Boo Boo STRAIGHT-UP TELLS THE WORLD SHE BELIEVES IN THE KINSEY SCALE which I think is dope as fuck.

A dude on my friends list named Ben shares the link, echoing the “Phil Robertson can learn from this” sentiments and another Phil who is apparently friends with Ben decided to comment, taking up the Robertson sword:

Like a blind man taking a driver’s test, he clearly has no idea when to stop. The stupid online debate goes from homosexuality to free speech to (logically) the FUCKING GUN RIGHTS DEBATE, which is when I realize I need to step in and make shit weird:

And that is when he took this shit too far. HIP HOP TERMINOLOGY? TROLLING IS A HIP HOP TERM? I literally had no other choice than to go batshit on his ass:

…And nobody commented since. I single-handedly stopped this argument with crazy. Even the people that were on my side didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

So there you have it. Let this be a lesson to all of you: If there’s a dumb argument happening on the internet and you want it to not, just say insane bullshit until everybody commenting gets scared. Goodnight!

This is incredible! Everybody should watch this.

posted 7 months ago and tagged as Bo Burnham what

helloletsdate:

If you’re not down with Gary, you’re not down with me.

posted 7 months ago via helloletsdate
helloletsdate:

Yeah, I have the money.

helloletsdate:

Yeah, I have the money.

posted 7 months ago via helloletsdate

Meet Brandon Scott Phinney, The Classiest Man In The World

So I woke up at 1pm today to see human douchesicle Brandon Scott Phinney post an article about overweight girls dressing in lingerie and taking selfies to feel good about themselves and celebrate what some would consider “real beauty” (it’s an article about Curvy Girl Lingerie, turns out) and with it Brandon provides a biting piece of commentary:


'How is this 'beauty”? All they're doing is celebrating obesity, furthering the feminist agenda that all men are superficial and shallow and burdening news media with stories of bullshit.'

The feminist agenda! Those militant feminists and their terrible, horrible, despicable agenda of making chubby girls not feel like crap! Buncha MONSTERS if you ask me! If THAT wasn’t enough, he goes on a tirade in the comment section:


'This isn't what “real women” look like. A real woman would take care of her body by eating right and exercising, not by pushing the limits of the flesh and demanding respect and positive attention. Men are attracted to fit, healthy women with actual good looks. It's just science, it doesn't mean we're all shallow and pathetic. Women don't like fat guys, it's the same concept. You don't see men traversing all over the internet demanding change on the social standard of what's deemed attractive or not. Obesity is fucking disgusting and we need to stop celebrating this fucking epidemic. Shut the fuck up with your bullshit feminist agenda.'

I want to take a moment to add that a few years ago I had sex with a girl he had a crush on, because despite my being a fat guy that women apparently don’t like, and him being a skinny guy that women apparently are supposed to like, I was also really funny, a good listener and a selfless lover. She texted him immediately after telling him how much she enjoyed it and he had a hissyfit. This is 100% a true story, it was fucking hilarious. Let’s keep going though, the thread gets better!

Somebody named Toby did actually try and argue with him by saying 

'Why are you obsessed with this? Who cares! It just makes you look shallow.' 

to which Brandon’s response was 

'Because I see so much of it and I'm sick of it.' 

And then Brandon’s shitty friend Ray said 

'Problems don't get solved by keeping your mouth shut about it.'

to which Toby, god bless his heart, wrote 

'Problems? Way to make girls you find disgusting feel worse. Im sure you have no annoying faults.'

That’s when Phinney went on this gem of a rant:

'If they feel that way, they should change. Not for anyone but themselves. Who likes being fat? And yea, I'm full of annoying faults. We all are. Doesn't mean I can't point out a social problem when I see one. It's all about sociology and the rising tides of what's acceptable in modern society. We're changing almost daily and I'm a vocal observer.'

You guys, you see? He’s not a tactless, empathy-less piece of shit, he’s a vocal observer! He’s Malcolm X-ing us right now, he wants to tear down those golden arches of oppression! What a dumb douchebag! So naturally, I am unable to keep my mouth shut ever and I jumped in and wrote 

"A, some women are naturally just bigger and still healthy and B, your giant piece of shit is showing, Phinney. The cure for obesity is not degrading and shaming obese people and calling them hideous and I pray your daughter marries a fat guy and you get invited over every Saturday morning for cake brunch."

To which I got shit on and dismissed by him and his friends.

SO NOW I LEAVE IT UP TO YOU, INTERNET. Any overweight people or anybody who knows an overweight person and doesn’t want them to live their lives thinking they’re an ugly gross thing please share this and/or send him a private Facebook message letting Phinney know how much of a dumbass he is. I’m going to spend the afternoon tracking down his current cell number so I can send him naked selfies. Happy Thanksgiving!

Come and get some!

Someday I want to write a piece of stage art and perform it in a way that hits somebody as personally and emotionally as this performance hits me. Maybe it will be jokes, maybe it will be a story or poetry or maybe it will be something else, but I want it to be as intense and emotional as this.

drakeingbad:

drawing drake into breaking bad #11
gus fring gets half his face blown off by a bomb planted in hector salamanca’s wheelchair 

drakeingbad:

drawing drake into breaking bad #11

gus fring gets half his face blown off by a bomb planted in hector salamanca’s wheelchair 

posted 10 months ago via lookitsdrakeofthrones